The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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