I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
