Plan B is the new Plan A
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
