woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
