i already hear my dad disowning me
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
