mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
