your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
