the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
