I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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