He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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