hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
