The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i don't like sucking hair
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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