Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
