When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
