you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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