So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
