well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize