some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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