So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
