New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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