youre lurking in front of me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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