I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
