i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
