you would pick up someone in the library
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
