Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
