Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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