I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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