He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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