Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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