Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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