i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
