: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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