Im at strip club and am horny
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize