Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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