I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
