Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
