My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize