Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
