Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
