just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
cat food counts as protein by the way
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
