I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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