dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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