My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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