I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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