At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
