just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
