Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
