I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
