If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
