Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
