I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
