Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
