Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
