OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
