How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So many bounce houses so little time
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
This toilet bowl is my home.
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