Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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