barbara walters just said penis...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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