I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I could fuck to npr.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
