I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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