I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
